Backstory Of My Faith

I think I always knew God but I couldn't find him in the things around me. As is true for us all, He was within my soul waiting for me to strip away the lessons of the world and listen to his. It wasn't until recently that I truly began to form a faith shaped by the bible and my relationship with God and his loving people. Throughout my life I've dealt with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. These experiences lead to damaging behavior that created much turmoil within my mind, body, and soul. While I am still being prepared and guided to better understandings I often struggle with people pleasing, low self-esteem/worth, anxiety, depression, a lack of accountability and confidence. In my younger days I sought love in unhealthy dynamics that never solved the problem but furthered my pain. Growing up in the Bible belt of the South much of the church's teachings were reiterated in my life and became excuses for the abuse I endured. When I was very young my mother attended a church for a few years but our attendance stopped when she remarried. In my teen and young adult years I decided to seek out churches on my own. I went to several baptist, methodist, even catholic churches in the area but never truly felt the love of God so nothing stuck. Once in college after a profound heartache and loss I went to church with a friend in middle of nowhere Young Harris, GA but was met with condemnation and a promise that I was condemned to hell for the choices I had made. Unfortunately, this led me to turn away from God for a very long time. He never gave up on me though, as he never does for any of us. After moving to CT a few years back I met a lovely neighbor (Rushika) and friend who encouraged and discipled to me in her very home. We met once a week and she showed me the love and grace God always intended me to have. Through her encouragement I chose to begin reading the Bible which led to me attending churches again. I seek God every day. I sit with Him and pray for His guidance. While I make plans I release all expectations and instead seek Him. Knowing that even if I may wish for something He is always providing me with my highest Good. I trust God above all else as he eases the worry and pain of my mind and heart. God knows every heart and sees everything in ways I could never. When I put my full faith in him and approach life with gratitude for the gains and perceived losses the chaos turns to peace, heartache turns to love, and the condemnation for myself and others turns to grace and accountability. I tried very hard to maintain the life I had created prior to stepping into my faith with God and the teachings of Jesus but my new understandings were not welcomed and new beginnings were needed. I can no longer make excuses for the pain and instead seek God's protection and truth. As I rebuild my life I see God's fingers all over it. While I have lost my old comforts God provides me with new. These comforts can not be taken away in the physical sense for they reside deep within and help me create a beautiful life for myself and my children. A bible verse that speaks to me quite deeply is 1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[b] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Through this verse I see the true essence of God's perfect love and the legacy of Jesus' life here on Earth. Never imposing but hoping for healthier habits and perspectives through love. To seek and speak the truth and remove the veil of lies and excuses. To meet people where they are and never impose but to stay steadfast in the understanding God has provided to your heart. It also prophesied about the growth of humanity (as seen throughout history and today) and gives hope and faith as we let go of our childish ways and make our way to the perfect. You must first be willing to truly face yourself and the life you have created. Be disciplined in your actions and thoughts. Once you are an adult it is no longer an imposition but rather a choice on how you live and treat others. As for me I now choose to live a life and treat others the way Jesus taught us to. While I fumble I remember to humble myself in God’s grace and continue to pursue his path for me.

Check out the video where I gave this speech here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSytZhUu0tw

Speech starts at the 18 min mark.