What’s in the inner workings of our hearts?

Relationships are meant to be personal and intentional. In my life I have struggled with this notion due to many wounds and troubles the world can bring. There is an innate desire to be right and not righteous. To feel superior or better than and not humble and equally important. We can allow our own desires and wants to get in the way of being intentional in our relationships and truly trying to understand one another. Our greatest goal should be love. To show it, to be it, to receive it. Through my readings, prayers, and experiences I’ve been shown what that does and does not look like. I have worked hard to only allow goodness in my heart. Envy, jealousy, boastfulness, arrogance, an insistence on my way or no way all lead to imperfect results. It is not from a place of hope, kindness, love, endurance, self control, patience, or any one of the fruits of the spirit. I have become very intentional with where my mind wanders with those that are around me. I ask questions and get curious about my intentions and the words that follow there after. When I hear of good news from others am I joyful or I am envious? Am I supportive in my responses? When in conflict do I insist on what I understand or do I get curious to understand the other? It’s equally important the responses you get back from the company you keep. You can be gentle and kind and stay firm in a healthy perspective all while not forcing the other to agree. It is ok to disagree and maintain peace knowing that no matter what the other person chooses it will all work out in the end as it should. This is where faith comes in. Faith that God is who he says he is and uses all circumstances to meet his desires for us. 

While out to lunch with a dear friend and fellow follower of Jesus we began to discuss the verse regarding the fig tree (Matthew 21:19) “And seeing a fig tree by the wayside, he went to it and found nothing on it but only leaves. And he said to it, “May no fruit ever come from you again!” And the fig tree withered at once.” It reminded me of some recent situations in my life regarding letting go of relationships and people that I just couldn’t connect with any more. It brought such chaos and torment to my mind to try to hold onto it. I felt like we just couldn’t understand each other and there was so much conflict. Needless to say the tree of our relationship didn’t produce any good fruit anymore and I had to let it wither away. Some were harder to let go of than others as it meant completely letting go of my comfortable life to begin a new one. I remember falling down on my knees crying and begging for things to work out between us and my heart breaking into a million pieces when I realized it couldn’t without completely losing myself. It was the best for all ultimately as one of my friends went to get professional help and the other found someone who makes them far happier than I ever could. It also freed me to find someone who is equally matched and fulfills my life more than I could have ever dreamed. Regardless, the separation was done out of love not just for myself but them as well. The relationships were equally as painful for both sides as neither of us felt supported, seen, or most of all loved. We had different perspectives regarding what that represents and that’s ok. I stand firm in my standards regarding living an intentional life surrounded by intentional people who understand a healthy dynamic in love. I let go of my need to be right. Right about why the relationship ended. Right about who contributed more to the downfall. I stopped seeking validation as to why we weren’t a good match and looking for reasons every day to not like that person as a justification for my desire to let them go. Rather I surrender to the fact that we are not compatible. It is a fact, this is who they are and this is who I am. And I choose I am. I let the tree wither as it no longer produces fruit, but stay hopeful for a new seed to be planted where they can thrive and find all the nutrients they need for success elsewhere.